A dear friend of ours texted me last night. Her husband just deployed this past week, and she was getting worried. I felt helpless in my efforts to calm her fears. Because as confident as I was that he was totally fine, I couldn't promise her that. I know a lot of wives of soldiers have a lot of the same fears. I have had similar trials, but, not with my husband. With my daddy. My whole childhood growing up, I always knew the military. That's how my parents met. My mom had just gotten her wisdom teeth removed and my daddy came to see her..noticing similarities, eh? I didn't pick up on this at all until a couple days ago when my mom was telling me about it.
As a little girl, I wished on stars. I still do. And every night, I would go to my window and look up at the sky. Even if there were clouds, I knew that they were all up there somewhere, so I wished anyway. It used to be for a new dolly, or a puppy, and as I got a little older and more aware, I always used to miss my dad. He and my mom split up when I was 5 or so. He was still in the military, and as I came to realize later on in life, he submerged himself into work to fight the depression he had been struggling with for so long. He was often deployed, and every night, I wished for my daddy to come home. He was only able to call a couple times a month, and when he wasn't deployed he was always "in the field." I had no idea what the 'field' was, all I knew was that I hated it because it kept him from me. After every deployment, before he ever dropped off his bags or went to see his parents, he came to my two brother and I. Jumped from one flight to the next. I didn't realize what it meant, all I knew was that I got to hug my daddy and that he was in his uniform that I thought he looked so tall in.
It wasn't until his retirement ceremony that It hit me, everything that he had done. All the places he had been, all the people he met, the things he did for all of us. There was a year of my life I had nightmares every single night of my daddy getting killed by 'the bad man' I had seen on T.V. right after 9/11.
When I first met Jacob, he was days away from swearing into the Army. He went through MEPS and was told he was not able to join. I was so proud of him anyway, even thought the disappointment was more for him than he ever let onto me. I guess I always tried to stay away from the military because I resented it for keeping my dad from me, which is a silly reason. As we ll as fear, I guess. But now I'm revisiting the idea again and I'm not afraid. I just don't want to be gone away from my love. That is my biggest hang up with it.
But, if I am able to get in, Jacob and I will get married before I ever leave for basic and he will hold down the fort for me while I'm gone, and be taken care of in every way possible. Which is very important to me.
None of us know what the future will hold, because the course of life can change in an instant. But what I do know, is that I will be a teacher, and I am marrying Jacob. We will live wherever we are led to, but I would love to live in his town, teach in the schools he went to, and that our children will go to, and just engrain myself in his world and never leave. I am a traveler at heart, but now it's not just me. It's Jacob and I as a team. I want to share my love of new places with Jacob and eventually with our children.
I wasn't able to make myself feel better with soothing Kathy's fears, but I was reminded that I am incredibly blessed to have gone through what I have as far as the military child goes. I understood her fears. And it makes me want to hold Jacob a bit tighter knowing he wants to go into a dangerous career field. But no matter what, I will have him in my arms for as many nights as I can and I will have this incredible man as my husband until the world stops. So I'll just take this day by day and be grateful for everything I have and everyone I love and hold them all a bit closer to my heart.
I love you<3
What can I say? We are two people who fell into mutual weirdness and we call it love.
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